Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.