The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake