last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
R.I.P.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day