On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever