No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
You Might Also Like
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*skinny dips into black hole
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
ok hear me out: Luigiana
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*