Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
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H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Truth. 😆😭😮💨