like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’