Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
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The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
what kind of cook setting is this??
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.