mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.