[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
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[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.