With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
you have three unread messages
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
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How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.