With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I bet