I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.