I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?