Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
going to the ER y’all need anything
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me