I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
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“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
j o i m p
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.