Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Imma just leave this here…………
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m listening
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us