I’m listening
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Smile they said.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
We’ve come full circle
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds