I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
In space, no one can hear…
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I’m sure it’s fine.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”