Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Only a mother’s love …
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.