I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”