I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”