You Might Also Like
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
that’s really how it is
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.