More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I’m giving up ice.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????