When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.