My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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I don’t make the rules sorry
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders