[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.