Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
You Might Also Like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
No. YOU-buprofen.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Not helping
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
This could be us but you eatin’
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?