In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
You Might Also Like
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
This meal prepping shit easy