Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no