I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.