At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
This headline is a thing of beauty
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.