I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.