It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!