@KevinFarzad

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

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@dshack8

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

@UnFitz

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

@OctopusCaveman

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

@steveolivas

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

@HenpeckedHal

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

@jackiembouvier

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.