Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.