I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Did…did a minotaur write this
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)