How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
That de-escalated quickly
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY