Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Happy thanksgiving!
Barbie gone wild
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc