No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*