[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”