Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.