Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.