I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order
I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.