I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.