I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality![]()
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
There are usually two types of merchants.
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???