That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I only eat vegetarians.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.