If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.