the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.