Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers