You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
#CoronaOutbreak
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I didn’t come here to be called names
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind