I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon