Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*