A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says