triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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When your best mate counts as a desk too
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence